I woke up feeling good; hungry, but good. I had some juice and felt satisfied. I made one of my friends watch "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" and she was interested in joining me. She picked me up to help her get a scale so she could see her progress. She was hungry and wanted to get Subway for lunch. We walked into the Subway and it smelled so delicious, and she wanted to get me something. I knew I shouldn't. I told her that I wasn't going to get anything but that she should go ahead and get something and not feel bad about eating it in front of me. She told me that if I wasn't getting anything, then neither was she. Reluctantly and with much pain, we left Subway, empty handed. As we walked away, I literally threw my fists into the air in anguish but I knew walking away was the right thing to do. Instead, I took my friend to Walmart to buy some produce so I could make her try her first juice.
I helped her get what she needed to get started juicing and we headed back to my place. I was feeling so good that I was helping someone else start this journey! We made some juice for lunch and she liked it and felt full. I was so pleased and felt so proud. She headed home with all kinds of good veggies and a new juicer.
This is where things got really rough for me. Anton got home, and because I was still full, I didn't want to juice right then. Later in the evening, we made some juice and afterwards, I had an overwhelming desire to slam a double steakhouse burger from Carl's Jr.
Despite the good day, I felt weak. I knew I was doing something great but at that moment, it didn't matter. I was miserable. I wanted just one bite of anything, I just wanted to eat! I wanted to eat so badly and felt so trapped that I just began to cry. The crying turned into weeping which turned into sobbing. I was a mess. I have never done anything this hard in my entire life. I wanted flavor, I wanted meat, I wanted salt, I wanted to quit. I told Anton that I didn't think I could do this. I never thought that I would be so hungry that I would be bawling my ass off over eating food. I'm also on my period, which is not a good thing to have in the mix. I couldn't stop feeling sorry for myself. Everything was bad. I was cranky and kept getting upset over nothing. Anton told me that I had to keep going especially because I got my friend into this, who then got her sister into it and if I gave up, it would set a horrible example and I'd be letting my friend down. I knew he was right but it pissed me off that he was right. I managed to hold back the tears for a couple hours but then when it came time for bed, I couldn't sleep. I took a sleep aid and after an hour, I still couldn't manage to sleep. This, too, made me upset and I felt so trapped that I began to sob again. This time, with no moral support as Anton was sound asleep right next to me. I cried myself to sleep that night. WORST night of my life. I felt like a toddler having a tantrum. I felt so defeated.
This is temporary. I won't always only be drinking juice. I have to keep saying to myself "the best me I can be." I have to remember that I am changing my taste buds to crave things other than cheeseburgers and so I'm weening myself off of it right now. I'm addicted to those things and I'm having withdrawals.
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